Overcoming People Pleasing

Since I was a child, I have always been innately tuned into the needs of others. As a Libra, an astrological sign related to partnership, my core archetype during this lifetime is connected to evolution through relationships. I grew up in a small family, the sibling to a brother with autism. My parents experienced many challenges due to my brother’s developmental disability. As a result, they placed their expectations and hopes upon me and from a young age I naturally fell into the role of the healer. To balance my brother’s erratic and unpredictable behavior, I sought to create comfort and stability for my parents by doing everything “right”. I was the straight A student, the child who followed all of the rules and did what she was told, never questioning authority or if any of the rules actually made sense. From a young age, I got into the habit of disregarding my own needs in the quest to make others happy.

As I grew older, people pleasing solidified into an unconscious pattern in my relationships. I would always accept invitations, regardless of whether or not I actually was interested in attending the event. I’d let the other person lead when it came to taking action in most situations. Making decisions always provoked anxiety: even when going to a restaurant I would debate all my options on the menu, check what everyone else was eating and eventually order something similar, fearful of somehow making the wrong decision and being disappointed with my meal. I attracted unhealthy dynamics in romantic relationships, continuing to perpetuate my role from childhood of the healer. When someone got upset, my default was to believe that I was always in the wrong and responsible for their reaction. I attracted a few narcissistic boyfriends: one was emotionally abusive, constantly critiquing my actions. The other was self-centered, emotionally unavailable and would gaslight me the few times that I tried to express my feelings. These experiences created a lot of trauma, generating a limiting belief that it wasn’t safe to be vulnerable. Buried in my unconscious was the fear that if I let my guard down people would take advantage of my kindness, hurt me and then throw me away.

I became more conscious of my people pleasing tendencies while living in China. One of the ways that the universe illuminates what needs to be healed is by bringing into your life people who embody the qualities you are seeking to develop. I experienced this healing through one of my closest friendships. My best friend in China was confident and direct: when there was an issue, she would go straight to the heart of the matter. This triggered a lot of push back within me as my natural tendency was to avoid conflict at all cost, doing what was necessary to keep the peace. The pattern which had become second nature was to bury my emotions, creating resentment when I felt hurt, judged or disrespected. I subsequently closed myself off, gave a person the silent treatment and complained to others when I felt unheard or unseen. This was the model I had learned as a child and continued to perpetuate in relationships, that is until my friend called me out on my passive aggressive behavior. What followed was a lot of introspection, realizations, discomfort and self-growth. As I navigated the path to discovering my sovereignty, I devoted a lot of time to reprogramming my unconscious and changing my mental narrative. Many learnings in the journey to overcome people pleasing surfaced that I’d like to share with you now.

My first learning: embrace and honor the word “no”. As a people pleaser, I was afraid to say no to people or situations that weren’t aligned. I believed on an unconscious level that any “no” would disappoint the other person and lead to abandonment. However, when I began to work with the vibration of this word, to even sit and say the word “no” out loud during meditation, I realized its power. The energy of “no” was surprisingly liberating as it connected me to my own needs, to my inner voice. I began saying no to everything that didn’t feel good: to relationships, friendships, and as I started a business, to clients and opportunities that weren’t in alignment with my own values and self-worth. Saying no allowed me to release the energy that wasn’t resonating and create space for the universe to bring in something better. Embracing the energy of no helped me to step into my sovereignty and welcome new people into my life who saw and honored me in my power.

My second learning: boundaries are healing. As I began to really listen to my inner child and to honor her needs, to put her first, to love and respect myself on a deep soul level, my role began to shift in relationships with others. Finding my voice was not innately easy. As someone who had spent her life avoiding confrontation, the idea of creating dissent gave me a great amount of stress and anxiety, to the point where it would affect me on a physical level. Nevertheless, I faced my fears and did it anyway. I began to speak up when I felt disrespected, to give my opinion, to voice my own needs. As change can provoke discomfort in others, there was pushback. In my relationship with my mother, I had rarely spoken up when she said something to me that was disparaging or hurtful. After my seven years in China and upon returning to the US, I began to more openly express how I felt and what I would and would not tolerate. She responded at first with some dissent, having acclimated to a lifetime of me embodying one archetype, that of the tolerant and submissive daughter. However, creating boundaries ultimately was healing for our relationship, allowing both of us to express ourselves with more openness and providing her a context to reflect upon her own upbringing and unconscious inherited beliefs.

My final learning in the journey to overcome people pleasing: I don’t need anyone to like me. This was a tough one, as throughout my lifetime I had associated being liked with acceptance and belonging. I had an unconscious need to be liked in each relationship, constantly fearing that I would otherwise be rejected. What I realized, however, is that the only person in life who truly has the power to reject you is yourself. Not everyone in life will or needs to like you. And it actually doesn’t matter, because the most important relationship you will ever have is the one with yourself. When you decide what you will and won’t tolerate, embody the respect that you seek from others and are able to stand firm in your power, you will naturally attract the people who value, support and love you for your authenticity and strength of character.

To all of my beloved people pleasers, it’s time for a reframe: let’s focus on our own self-love, reclaim our sovereignty and allow the world to follow.